{Strong Bad sits in front of his computer}
STRONG BAD: Checka-checka… E-mail! E-mail!
{Strong Bad double clicks on the email icon, and an email comes up}
EMAIL TEXT (STRONG BAD): Dear Strong Bad, With Free Country USA legalizing gay marriage (That’s right {Strong Bad turns to face the camera, record scratch} we’re going there!) {Strong Bad turns back} what is Strong Badia’s stance on LGBTQIA+ rights? Does Strong Badia have any legislation to handle this sort of thing? What’s the community (co-co-community) like there? Crapfully yours, (trite, overused email closing) Jason Sunderman, S.F., CA ({sarcastic tone} Some Friend, see? Eyy!).
EMAIL TEXT (STRONG BAD): Dear Sundryman, Strong Badia has always been the land of the freer-than Free Country, USA, and the home of the braver-than-the-troops. (That’s right {Strong Bad turns to face the camera, record scratch} we’re going there!) {Strong Bad turns back} We’ve always been at the vanguard, and remain the first and only country to legally sanction marriage between bears and the sharks they are holding.
{Cut to Strong Badia. The bear-holding-a-shark has had a tuxedo crudely painted on it, and the shark-it-is-holding is wearing a veil. Strong Sad, wearing a clerical frock, stands before them holding a book. Numerous characters, including the main cast, the KoT’s guards, and several storybook characters, are assembled wearing suits and sitting in folding chairs, including Marzipan, who is wearing a tuxedo rather than her typical bell-shaped dress. Coach Z is an exception, wearing a puffy purple jacket, and the cheat is standing behind Strong Sad holding a basket of flower petals. Only Bubs is in his typical outfit. Strong Bad is dressed as Gene from Strong Bad Email #176}
STRONG SAD: If anyone can give reason why these two should not be joined in matrimony, let they/them speak now or forever hold, their/they’s peace.
{The tire falls over. Everyone gasps.}
STRONG BAD: {affecting an effete accent} Oooooh! Drama bomb!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: {Scowling} Cool your jets, Benjamin Braddock!
{The Cheat reaches into the basket and throws the flower petals, which float to the ground around him}
{Cut back to Strong Bad at his computer}
EMAIL TEXT (STRONG BAD): Nonetheless, I truly believe that their love will stand the test of time. {Strong bad clears the screen and continues.} Going beyond mere legislative affirmation, as leader of Strong Badia, I have chaired the annual pride parade planning committee since its exception in twenty-{mumbles}.
{Cut to Strong Bad, Strong Mad and the Cheat congregating at the stick.}
THE CHEAT: {unintelligible cheat sounds}
STRONG BAD: Yeah, but I really can’t get behind that sort of corporate {spoken breathlessly} malfeas-ee-ance.
{Homestar Runner walks into frame with a rectangular rainbow lapel pin}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Howdy-doin’ howdy-doin’ everybody everybody? I’m an el-jibbity!
STRONG BAD: An… el-jibbity? Do you mean LGBT?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: That’s right! An el-jibbity {sing-songy} kyu-eye-ahy plus!
STRONG BAD: LGBTQIA+? Homestar, I’m not entirely convinced you know what that means. Or that you know all those letters for that matter.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yes I do, Strong Bad. It stands for {each word is punctuated by a tilted camera zoom on Homestar} lesbian gay bisexual trans queer intersex asexual plus {camera returns to previous zoom level}, with queer and plus being catchalls that encompass identities such as pansexual, gender fluid and other less common minorities within the community.
STRONG BAD: O… kay? That was… uncharacteristically verbose. But, seeing as how there’s no D-for-dump in the “el-jibbity” community, I think you’re confused about your own status here.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: {visibly annoyed} Look at me. I’m clearly non-binary.
STRONG BAD: That… checks out.
STRONG MAD {holding up what appears to be a large sheet of driftwood with a runny rainbow painted on it in lesbian pride colors}: I’M AN ALLY! I’M GONNA’ BE A FLOAT IN THE PRIDE PARADE!
THE CHEAT: {unintelligible The Cheat noises}
STRONG BAD: How are you going to be the grand marshall of a pride parade if you’re not also … an … el-jibbity?
THE CHEAT: {unintelligible The Cheat noises} {The Cheat reaches behind himself and pulls out an ace/aro pride flag sticker and places it on his chest with a pointed “Meh!” He grins.}
{Marzipan enters from the right, holding her guitar, which has an Against Me! sticker on it}
MARZIPAN: And as you all know, I’m bisexual.
STRONG BAD: Oh, we know, all right. You’ve only been telling us six to thirty times a day since you got back from your one and a half semester “academic career” at CGNU. Nonetheless, you have continually and exclusively dated the dumpiest guy …
HOMESTAR RUNNER: {annoyed} … enby …
STRONG BAD: … guyby – which, I will remind you, is not a binary sex for you to bisex about.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh! I know this one! Marzipan says there’s nothing sexual about our relationship!
MARZIPAN: {nodding} That’s right. Who’s Marzipan’s good boy?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: {disappointed} Dustin Hoffman as Benjamin Braddock in the Graduate.
MARZIPAN: That’s right!
{Strong Sad enters frame in leather daddy gear; the Goblin, in a puppy gimp suit, is walking in front of him on a leash. Everyone looks shocked.}
STRONG SAD: Don’t kink-shame me! I happen to be a demi-sexual gender-apathetic ace non-aro pansexual whose pronouns are he/him, they/them, xe/xim, sie/siey or she/her, and this DOES belong at pride.
STRONG BAD (VOICEOVER): That’s right {record scratch} … we’re going there!
STRONG BAD: Well sir-creeps-me-out, alls I know about pronouns is that I need a new set, on account of how much manlier I am than the next manliest person on the planet. I’m gonna’ go with he/him …
STRONG SAD: We already know you’re a …
STRONG BAD: {smacking Strong Sad; the goblin hops and jaunts slightly} I’m not done! My new pronouns will be he/him, him/he. Example of usage: “Strong bad is so hot. I want to date him/he, so he/him can be my boyfriend!” That’s twice the manly of any of yous guys.
MARZIPAN: My pronouns are she/her.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: My pronouns are paid more than the amateur ones!
STRONG MAD: MY PRONOUNS ARE I/ME!
{half fade as the goblin does a little dance}
STRONG BAD: And the discourse … rages on.
{back to Strong Bad at the compy}
EMAIL TEXT (STRONG BAD): Although the King of Town’s assent isn’t necessary for any event happening within the borders of Strong Badia, the ol’ KoT has provided an endorsement of the parade each year on a filthy Stucky’s napkin, which is the most prestigious legal document that can be presented by his administration.
{Cut to the KoT in a nondescript chamber of his castle}
KING OF TOWN: While I’m not a member of the queer community, I have been known to engage in some kink. Specifically vore, fattening, inflation, force-feeding, food-play – and I also host an ASMR podcast.
{Cut to KoT and the Poopsmith in a non-descript room of the castle. Both have microphones set up in front of them, the KoT’s pointing towards a whole turkey smothered in a layer of gravy and flanked by potato skin and butter speckled mashed potatoes. The Poopsmith’s microphone is pointing at a pile of poop in front of him. The KoT, slurps loudly, with wet food noises that run alongside squishy shoveling noises made by the Poopsmith. The KoT lifts a size XXXL slushy that was concealed behind the turkey and drinks loudly from the straw.}
{Cut to Strong Sad, sitting on his bed holding an iPod in one hand and wearing a pair of earbuds. A grainy version of the previous noises playing while he hums to himself. In the other hand he holds a comb up to his ear and runs his thumb down the bristles repeatedly.}
VOICEOVER (STRONG BAD): The less said about this, the better.
{cut to Bubs’ Concession Stand where Strong Sad and Coach Z are waiting in line}
VOICEOVER (STRONG BAD): Naturally, as part of the festivities, we work with artists and artisans to provide vendors with locally sourced party supplies, food and float accessories, but none of them has ever gotten back with us. Instead, in a stunningly butt-tacular example of rainbow crapitalism, Bubs provides goods and services for the event at a 1500% markup!
BUBS: In addition to the usual Hawaiian leis {Bubs holds up a handful of leis and places them on the counter of the stand}, random straps, chains and belt buckles {Bubs holds up a jumble of chains and belts, one of which briefly lifts to reveal an eye peering out of the ball; Bubs also places these on the stand}, ordinary junk with rainbows printed on it {Bubs retrieves a toaster with “GAY” written on it in poorly kerned rainbow colored script and adds that to the growing pile} and novelty candy in ris-quee shapes {Bubs pulls out a bikini made of skittles}, we also will be providing these regular style flags that explode into the pride flag of your choice.
{Bubs hands the two of them flags, currently showing the “straight pride” “colors”; Strong Sad and Coach Z’s flags explodes, leaving them covered in soot with their singed “hair” blown back; Strong Sad’s flag is now a Demisexual Pride flag, and Coach Z’s is a Genderqueer Pride flag}
STRONG SAD: {coughs a puff of black smoke} Bubs, I think the charge may be set too high.
BUBS: Nonsense! Why, it’s less than a third of the charge used in my gender reveal products! {Bubs holds up a giant stuffed baby wearing a white diaper emblazoned with a question mark; its seams are torn and there are sticks of dynamite visibly poking out} This one’s called “the California dream”! {Bubs returns it beneath the concessions stand} Or how about this puppy {Bubs lifts a similarly cheap-looking stuffed puppy with a question mark painted on it and several bricks of C4 attached to it with a clock showing the impossible time 8:00:85}. I call it “the deforestation special”! Guaranteed to make your event un-forgettable, and to keep your legal liability un-limited!
{If the user clicks on the 8:00:85 on the C4, an alternate scene occurs}
{Cut to the inside of a library; the camera slowly pans right while sinister background music holds a long ominous note. Slowly, the Sad Kids come into view, and we see that they are looking at Homsar as a Modestly Hot Girl, who is seated and holding up an open copy of The Very Hungry Caterpillar}
MODESTLY HOT HOMSAR: Iiiiiiii’m a moral Panera Breadbowl.
{Cut to a nondescript field where Marzipan and Coach Z, facing the camera and dressed as they were for the Bear / Shark wedding, are holding microphones and wearing earphones}
VOICEOVER (STRONG BAD): Once we’ve prepared for the festivities, it’s time for the big pride parade.
COACH Z: Welcome to 2Tst annual pride parade here in scenic Strong Badia.
MARZIPAN: The turnout today couldn’t be better for the big parade.
{Cut to Strong Badia where we see a series of floats pass; the Bear Holding a Shark, which no longer has a veil and has only chipped traces of the painted on tuxedo, is joined by a number of other poorly designed cutouts depicting a crowd, which includes Strong Bad’s drawing of a guy holding a knife, Trogdor, the jibblies painting and Buiscuitdoughhandsman}
COACH Z: Some real celebrity types have shown up today, adding to the ecitement of me not being at home by myself to bask in my loneliness.
MARZIPAN: First up, the Bubs float.
{The Cheat, still wearing the ace/aro pride sticker with the addition of a marching band leader’s hat, is holding a baton that he twirls enthusiastically. He leads the first float into view – a barely-repurposed version of Bubs’ “Coach Z, You Jerk” float from the 4Tst Annual Fall Float Parade, the only changes being that the turkey has a pink feather boa wrapped around it and sparkly star-shaped sunglasses, and “HAPPY THANKSGIVING” is replaced with “HAPPY PRIDE”}
BUBS: Coach Z, you jerk! Coach Z, you jerk!
COACH Z: The message of the float couldn’t be clearer. I’m honored to finally receive recognition for my mentorship of El-Gee-Ber-Tee-Kyeeerrr youth.
MARZIPAN: Coach Z, I didn’t know you were part of the queer community!
COACH Z: I must be, on account of I used to go in both locker rooms and now I’m not allowed in either!
MARZIPAN: Next up, is the Club Technochocolate float
{The second float is a reproduction of Club Technochocolate, complete with disco ball hanging inexplicably from the sky. It rolls onto screen, gradually revealing Strong sad and the Goblin, still decked in leather, dancing apathetically to “All Is On.” Pom-Pom, wearing the same feather boa and star-shaped sunglasses as the turkey from the previous float, is also dancing.}
COACH Z: You can really feel the excitement of the festivities, here on the Technochocolate float.
MARZIPAN: Club Technochocolate is the premiere nightclub in the greater Strong Badia area, featuring three dance floors, two stages, one bathroom and live entertainment 6 nights a week.
{As Marzipan discusses the live entertainment, the Poopsmith, also wearing star-shaped glasses and a feather boa, comes into view, standing at a DJ’s station. The Poopsmith scratches the record a few times, causing the dancers to momentarily jerk spasmodically before resuming their typical dance moves.}
COACH Z: DJ Poopmastah S in da house! {Beatboxing out of time to the music} Boom shih boom shih shih boom shih boom shih shih
MARZIPAN: Stop making sounds, Coach Z. Next up, is Strong Mad’s float.
{As the Club Technochocolate float drives off trailing an extension cord endlessly behind it, Strong Mad ambles after it, wearing the crude rainbow he was seen with earlier as a collar, but otherwise in his usual outfit}
COACH Z: The allies are really putting in the effort on this one. Far and away the biggest show of support for the community we’ve ever seen in the history of this parade.
MARZIPAN: That’s right, Coach Z. Strong Mad really went all out by centering himself in these festivities. Look at him occupying the space of an entire parade float by himself! It’s inspiring!
STRONG MAD: I’M SIGNALING VIRTUE! I’M A GOOD PERSON!
MARZIPAN: Next up, the CGNU glee club float.
{The next float, featuring a raised show choir stage with the CGNU Mascot costume in the back, has multiple Strong Bads on it. The leader of the group singing the melody is Strong Bad as Gene. Strong Bad as the Lamp from A Christmas Story, Carmen Sandiego, Carmen Miranda and Dangeresque do a choreographed routine as they perform a show tune version of Save the Last Email for Strong Bad}
STRONG BADS {singing and dancing}: Save the last email for Strong Bad! Save the last email for me!
{Cut to Strong Mad who looks down at the extension cord, noting that it’s plugged into another cord. He stops, reaches down and unplugs it}
STRONG MAD: THIS VIOLATES OSHA!
{The Technochocolate float immediately stops, as does the music. Strong Sad, the Poopsmith, the Goblin and Pom-Pom look back in confusion. The CGNU Glee Club Float crashes into Strong Mad, who is pushed forward, shouting inarticulately until he is smashed into the Technochocolate float, at which time, the CGNU float shakes violently and lists, raising the far end like the sinking of the titanic. Dangeresque is now raised considerably in the air and waves his arms to steady himself. The Mascot Costume spontaneously catches fire, which begins spreading up the float. Panic breaks out among the Strong Bads, who begin to abandon the float. Dangeresque remains stranded.}
MARZIPAN: And for fifth year in a row, the parade is cut short by disaster, resulting in the complete destruction of the floats and serious injuries to the participants.
COACH Z: Oh, the huge-manitee!
DANGERESQUE: I’m gonna’ have to jump!
{He jumps off the back of the float, landing on top of Homestar Runner’s float, which has just rolled into view and is a pillow and mattress fort balanced on The Wagon with a sign that says “NO GIRLS ALLOWED!”; it collapses, and Homestar Runner lets out a pathetic warbling baritone scream}
{Cut back to the lappy}
EMAIL TEXT (STRONG BAD): So, Sunder from down under, some pride parades go better than others, but the community of Strong Badia is resilient, and besides giving you the chance to experience the rich culture of Strong Badia, we finally got a chance to give details into the sexualities and gender identities of all the characters. {As he says this, the reflection of the Poopsmith can be seen in the compy screen, slowly rising in the background.} Not a single one was omitted, with every main cast character having a chance to let their freak flag fly and be the fabulous selves that they are. {The Poopsmith reflection slowly raises a trans pride flag before dropping out of the reflection.} Most importantly, Strong Badia will continue to lead the civilized world in el-jibbity rights and kyu-eye-ahy plus recognition.
STRONG BAD: So until next time – paper, take it away!
{The paper, continuous feed perforated printer paper, has, instead of alternating green and white stripes, faded pride flag colors.}
THE PAPER: HAPPY PRIDE!
{Several seconds pass}
{Cut to Sweet Cuppin Cakes world. Sherlock the Cow Copter, attempts to flop onto the worm, who, in characteristic fashion, disappears. Sherlock rises again, opens its mouth and makes machinegun noises (out of sync with its actual mouth movements), punching uniformly sized holes in the foreground and background terrain. The Wheelchair rolls up.}
THE WHEELCHAIR: Egads! An attack helicopter! Head for the hills! {races off}
{The camera quick-pans over to Hey! Steve!, who places a bow atop his head and looks back and forth before leaping into the air}
HEY! STEPHANIE!: Hey! Stephanie!
{Casio Head Strong Bad appears with a “Pop!” and begins dancing. His demo plays a beepy, jaunty, syncopated keyboard rendition of the chorus from Lady Gaga’s Born This Way}
Fin.